


forget

by novakid



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Amnesia, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Trans Male Character, more to be added probably - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-22
Updated: 2016-07-16
Packaged: 2018-02-26 13:40:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,741
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2654063
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/novakid/pseuds/novakid
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dirk loses his memory as a side effect from sburb. He loses who he is, the experiences he had, and the love he shared. Everything that made up his soul. And more importantly, his heart.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. the first

**Author's Note:**

> if i have any spelling/grammar mistakes, please inform me!  
> link to a song in the ending notes

You wake up and you don't know where you are. Your eyes flicker around, but nothing is familiar. It's not a ceiling that was ever above your head. Then again, you don't really remember one that was. 

You don't remember anything.

You don't remember the boy you're laying next to.

You're laying next to a boy.

He has a curly mess of hair and dark chocolate skin and the colours remind you of a horse, but that doesn't seem right for him. Either way, this stranger is laying close to you and his face.

His face, although beautiful, is uncomfortably close to yours. 

He wakes up, and you never thought eyes could hold dangerous jungles and beautiful mountains at the same time. You stare. He grins at you and begins to speak.

He looks happy. His smile is contagious and you just want to know what's got him grinning like so. He talks about a game. A game that he still can't believe everyone got out of. He tells you how happy he is to finally be with you like this. Safe.

You don't know what he's talking about.

* * *

 

You don't think you've ever met a Jake English in your life. You don't know who you've met, because everything is such a blur.

His name is Jake and he isn't happy. Right now, he's screaming with frustration and shouting obscenities. Right now he's crying with pure anger. Before that, he was begging. Begging for you to remember him. To remember the game. To remember anything.

You couldn't just lie. You said nothing. You still say nothing.

You're frightened. You don't know what's happening and you don't know who he is but watching him cry makes you want to cry and you're not sure why. 

He holds a confused and bewildered you. You hold a sobbing and pleading Jake.

Apparently your name is Dirk, because that's the only thing he's whispering as he falls unconscious in your arms.

* * *

 

Your housemates are Roxy and Jane. You wish they hadn't, but they cried. They pleaded. What were you suppose to do? Tell them that this was all a joke and you actually could remember everything? You hold them too, but for some reason the way they reacted and the way Jake did was different.

Not sure.

Jane tells you everything that happened during the game. Roxy fills in too. Roxy also tells you what happened before the game. Everything. She talks about a seawitch and an apocalypse and two angels, one friend and one foe. Jane tells you about four other kids. One of them is your brother.

You're unresponsive, but you feel like you've always wanted a brother before.

Not sure.

Do you believe any of it?

You ask yourself this later that night while in your own room, alone.

Not sure...

* * *

 

Things have to get back to the way they were. They had just settled, Jane says. After the game, there were celebrations. She shows you pictures. You definitely see yourself in some of them, but they don't ring any bells. You wish they did, though. You looked happy.

Roxy says that they all got jobs. Part-time. Enough to keep their nifty little house. You want to help, be she insists that you stay home and get comfortable. Adjust. Make a home out of the house.

You try to relearn old memories by looking at pictures and thinking hard about the things your housemates have told you. 

It doesn't work. 

Jake doesn't talk to you. Every time he looks at you, he looks away. He always has this sad expression. It breaks your heart.

Yeah. You just need to adjust. 

* * *

 

You can't adjust. 

Sometimes you wake up sobbing, in your own room, in the middle of the night. Scratches on your neck and your fingers trembling trembling trembling.

It doesn't just happen to you. You hear the same thing a few other nights in other rooms.

Jake always runs to you first. You think it makes sense, because his room is closest, but it's something else. He still doesn't talk to you, but he'll hold you until you calm down. Until Roxy and Jane come in the room to make sure you're okay.

Soon, they stop coming and it's only Jake that holds you through the night, even after you've settled. 

He never says a word to you.

* * *

 

When he first speaks to you, he asks if you could help him take out the garbage. 

You both drag them out to the trash cans but when you go to head back inside, he stops you.

"We should hang out. Like old time's sake! Not that you remember those times all too well, but I thought it'd be a grand idea to get to know each other again."

It sounds like he's trying hard to be cheery, but it's an admirable effort. You say yes, of course. Although, after a month of not speaking to him at all after having him break down in front of you.

He takes you out for a walk and air is crisp and leaves crunch under your feet. You're mesmerized by it.

Weird. It's as if you've never stepped on a leaf before. 

You two lay besides each other and stare up into the starry sky. When you look over to him, he's staring up with a glazed expression. "What do you see?", you ask him.

He sees a lot. He sees vast seas of other worlds and lands all intertwined and interlaced and dancing around each other in a great harmony. Spirals of love and hate and friendship crashing into each other and creating waves of memories. Bubbles of souls and bubbles of hope and bubbles of those who once had life but carry on in a place made just for them.

A long time ago, when he was young, someone told him that when people died, they became a part of the sky at night. That more and more people join together and become one. He understands, because he's died once before. Died for real.

You don't understand what he's saying.

But when you look down and see the stars glisten softly in his eyes, you think that maybe- just maybe- you believe him.

* * *

 

He talks a lot, but you can't help but be sucked in by every word that comes out of his mouth. 

It'll be about movies, about how work was, about food about friends about the past.

About you.

He tells you how you were like and how you two were best bros. He tells you about "brobot" and "auto-responder" and how you were so so smart and oh so sarcastic. He talks about you like a middle school girl talking about her new boyfriend. 

He misses you, he says.

You don't know what to say.

You watch movies with him. You don't like all of them, but he says they're the best. He has an intriguing sense of adventure and when he watches his movies, he's on the edge of the seat with a gleam in his eyes.

"Ever thought of going on your own adventure?"

He looks at you and and purses his lips. "I already have. Not as fun as the movies, honestly."

Sburb, you guess. The whole idea of it is surreal but no one will give you any other answer. You're not sure whether to believe it, but it may be time to accept that.

It's real, it's real. Jake insists that every part of it and everything that happened during it was real. Everything.

You don't understand until he presses his lips to yours in a fit of hysterics. 

Things seem to make a bit more sense.

* * *

 

Again and again and again. His kisses are like chocolate. Sweet and smooth and you just wanted more more more. 

He had told you about the sky and how when people died, they'd become one. But every time he touches your skin you feel as if he might absorb you into him.

It's weird. You're not sure. Not sure how this boy pulls you in with his gravity. Maybe it's the jokes or his smile or his bad taste in movies or the way he speaks or the way he thinks or all of those.

It drives you insane just thinking about how much of him there is to take in.

There is a lot of him to take in.

* * *

 

During sex, he tells you he loves you.

He doesn't mind when you say nothing in return.

* * *

 

You wake up from a night terror. Instead of Jake rushing to your side, he is already there. 

He holds you tightly and you shake violently in his arms and cry hard into his chest and you're a mess. A mess. He hums to calm you down and rocks you side to side. 

He talks some more, and it soothes you.

Dirk Dirk Dirk don't worry don't worry you're here you're safe we're alive and I love you I love you I love you, Dirk.

You don't know why you're waking up in the dead of night like this and you don't know why you take comfort in his words, but you cry.

You think you love him too.

* * *

 

He stopped talking about the you that you use to be and begins to talk about you. You you you. Sometimes movies and sometimes skulls but you. Today and tomorrow.

You no longer have to worry about where you are because his arms are a home and he loved you and loves you and that makes you so happy, you could burst. 

You're dozing off to sleep. Jake is too, but he's trying to keep awake by talking more of his nonsense. You're too tired to laugh, but you do anyways. You're too tired to think, so you don't. You don't when you say, "I love you." (It dripped down your tongue so naturally; you couldn't stop it even if you tried.)

The grin on his face says that he already knew.

You think you remember how happy you were in those pictures. 

You think.


	2. some more

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is super delayed... im sorry! i haven't been feeling up for writing, even though i have the basics for this fic all planned out. 
> 
> it's only three chapters though! it won't be long until the ending (hopefully) thank you for support!

When you wake up, you're laying next to a boy. You don't understand it, and for awhile you're scared. Mostly confused. You don't remember anything.

You don't remember anything?

The boy wakes up after you've sat upright. He has a soft smile, and his face is soft and his eyes are soft and you're very confused. 

He smile on his face fades. 

He looks upset, distraught. Broken? No, empty? Who knows.

"Dirk?"

You frown and shake your head, not understanding.

He buries his face in his hands and tries to keep from crying.

* * *

 

It has happened before, he tells you. There was a game. A horrible, deadly game. We won, he says, and he thought everything would be okay. But then something happened. Again and again and again, you kept forgetting. 

Again and again and again.

He tells you all of this with tired eyes and you feel bad. For some reason, you feel bad. Probably because it seems like he has had to explain many times.

"How many times has this happened?"

"A lot." 

He doesn't seem like he wants to talk anymore. 

He goes back to bed, pulls the cover over his head.

For some reason, your eyes sting. You leave the room and wander around.

* * *

 

Their names are Roxy, Jane, and Jake. The morning you woke up without knowing who you were (again), you ran into the two girls. They greeted you, and when you couldn't answer them, they frowned. They seemed to know what was happening. 

They were disappointed. Upset. Frustrated? Roxy left the room and Jane apologized for her.

You shook your head. It wasn't her fault, probably. You didn't like seeing her upset. Didn't like seeing a stranger upset. Stranger, right?

You don't know.

Jane made you breakfast that day and said nothing.

There are more silent mornings. They all seem constantly tired. 

It's hard to believe everything they have told you. The game, losing your memory, the universe and everything. 

It's hard to believe everything. 

They all go about their business. They have jobs. Jane owns a bakery which is conveniently close by. She lets you come with her and help out. She's nice. You like her.

You like Roxy, too. She's fun. When she's not tired and upset, she's funny and clever. You two have conversations and play video games. She says the only good part about your memory failing is being able to tell the same funny stories to you again and again.

She says she's told you about how funny your... "pantaloons" were about twelve times. 

(Twelve is a big number when it comes to your situation. You wonder how many times this has happened.)

* * *

 

They're your friends no matter what, Jane says. You believe her. Talking to Jane and Roxy comes so naturally. As if you've known them for years. They've known you for years.

It's hard talking to Jake. He doesn't talk a lot.

You think you know why. You don't bring it up, though.

Roxy brings it up. He loved you. Loves you. Never stopped, never will stop. "Please don't stop trying, Dirk."

Trying what?

You don't get it. 

You feel weird.

Guilty.

He doesn't look you in the eyes for weeks.

* * *

 

He looks you in the eyes one day. 

You're bad with eye contact. You _don't_ like it. In the pictures they show you, you had on sunglasses. Pointy ones. You don't wear them anymore. They're too much of a hassle. But sometimes you want them. Sometimes you feel. Naked.

"Stop looking at me." You say. You didn't mean to come off as snappy. You just feel bashful. 

He snaps out of it. As if he was hypnotized. "My bad, mate. I suppose I was in lala land." He smiles.

His smile. His smile is. Wow.

Wow. 

"Hey, bromigo, I've been, er... meaning to ask you something." 

You don't like questions. You don't know, _I don't know anything, god get off my back, leave me alone, I don't remember anythin-_

"Would you like to go hang out somewhere?"

Oh.

Oh... What?

"Why. I thought you hated me." 

You feel bad about saying that when you watch his face fall. Oops. You don't know why you would ever think that. Roxy insists he loves you but he doesn't act like it. You don't understand, it's not fair-

"I don't. We're always going to be friends. All four of us, Dirk. I love you all." 

"So we're all going to hang out?" 

Jake bites his lip and shakes his head. "You and I." 

"Ok." Well, ok.

* * *

 

You hate this.

Well, not really. 

Jake had brought you to the mall. All good fun, he says as he's trying on a bunch of shades. Shudder shades, margarita shades, googly eye shades. Ridiculous. You like that about him. 

What you don't like is all the damn people around.

You usually stay inside the house. You work with Jane, too, but that's never as packed as this mall. So many people. Stop staring, stop staring. 

Stop. 

"Earth to Dirk!" Jake pulls your attention to him. While you're trying to think straight, he puts heart shaped sunglasses on you. Nice. 

"Sorry. I'm out of it." 

"It's fine! No worries!" You two leave with your own pair of silly sunglasses. 

He takes you to a book store. You both laugh about the crappy manga there. 

He takes you to a clothing store. You both laugh at the meme shirts they have. 

He takes you to a shoe store. You both laugh at the giant, neon sneakers that sell for so much money. 

He makes you laugh a lot. 

It's nice.

Jake takes you to Build-A-Bear Workshop. You both come out with a precious lovechild you both had made with love and care. Your beautiful daughter, Rainbow Dash. Your little Dashie. 

You two end up back home after that. The girls aren't there, so you both jump on the couch while Jake's movie gets ready for viewing. 

You get tuckered out quickly. By the time the movie is over, you're passed out on his lap drooling on his knee. 

He's ok with it.

You are too.

* * *

 

You love him. This occurs to do while doing Jane a favour and taking her digital camera to get the photos developed. There are pictures of you and Jake before you lost your memories. 

Whenever you take time to think, you never really feel like you can be happy. You don't really understand what you _think_ you mean when you think that. You just feel it.

You feel hallow. Empty. You always feel lost.

As pathetic and cheesy as that must sound.

But then you're with Jake. You see pictures of you and him. 

You look happy. Really happy.

So does he.

He looks so happy. 

You want that. 

You want more of that. 

* * *

 

"What do you see?" You ask. 

Jake grins and looks over to you. You're both lying on your backs in the grass, looking up at the stars. It's a beautiful, clear night. Jake always looks up at the stars a certain way that makes you wonder what he's thinking. 

"You tell me what you see." He says after a time of thinking. 

What you see? 

"Stars." He looks at you as if waiting for a better answer. You sigh and look up to stare at them. "I. Don't know if I believe in heaven. But if I did, those would totally be the lights of halos of angels jammin' it out up there. Having a big ol' party and whatnot. Right? Is that good?"

Jake is snorting. "Yes, sounds good. I like that." 

He rolls over and wraps an arm around you. Your faces are inches apart. You're both looking straight at each others eyes. (More like gay at each others eyes.)

"Hi." He says. 

"Hi."

You two kiss until the sun comes up.

* * *

 

"Jane?"

"Yeah, Dirk?"

You're nervous. You purse your lips and inhale. "You guys said that I lose my memory a lot." 

"That we did." 

"I don't want that to happen anymore. I want it to stop."

She looks at you and frowns. She's thinking. Or, she's making it look like she's thinking.

She probably already thought long and hard about it before. 

You wonder how many times they've all tried just because you asked.

How many times have you asked? 

"I don't know how to fix this. I'm sorry." 

"It's ok."

It's not ok.

* * *

 

TT: Hello, Dirk.

What?

You had found your hold sunglasses in one of your drawers. It had collected dust. Now red text is appearing on the screen. It's scaring you.

TT: Yeah. It's been awhile. 

This is creepy. 

TT: It's only creepy because you have no clue what's happening. If you had all your memories, this would totally make sense. 

Shit. "You can hear my thoughts?"

TT: Given the way you have designed me, yes. Only yours though. You're the one who messed with the internal wiring of your own fucking brain, not me. If you see flaws in the system, it's all on you. I'm only a product of your design. A fucking badass pointy product. That's been, you know, rotting for the past three years.

Three years.  "That's a long time." 

TT: You all forgot about me. Understandable. I mean, it's not like I'm the real Dirk or anything. Lel.

"I'm sorry." You're not sure if you are or not, since you have no idea-

TT: Why apologize when you're not sure if you actually want to? Humans, huh? A true enigma.

Fuck.

TT: Fuck indeed. I'm Auto-Responder. I'm a super-computer your 13 year old self built. I know about every single thing that you've been thinking since you've finished Sburb. It seems like you have been having troubles. I wish you could have found me sooner. I could have definitely helped you out sooner.

"I don't. I mean, I really don't think I would know how to go about-" 

TT: You know that deep within yourself you could totally use a real life actual copy of your brain.

"Dude, I don't know..."

TT: Bro, come on.

TT: Trust me.


	3. final

You wake up in a bed next to a boy. You don't know where you are. You don't know who the boy is. 

You're holding his hand. It's entangled with his, laid on the pillow right beside your head. Upon further inspection, there is a simple, modest, gold ring around both of your fingers. 

Nothing makes sense. 

You're unsure on whether to wait until he wakes up, or to get up without him. But it only takes a few more seconds for him to wake up. His deep green eyes are beautiful and his smile is warm and happy. 

"Hello love." He murmurs out and slowly sits up. He's. Oh, God. He's naked. It's in that moment when you realize that you're also naked. 

Well, shit. 

You watch him as he stretches. You can't help but look away. You feel guilty for invading his personal boundaries. It doesn't occur to you that there are no boundaries. You can feel his eyes on you. "What's got you so bashful, Dirk?"

Apparently your name is Dirk. 

"Um." You say softly as you pull the blanket over your chest as you sit up, to hide your breasts. "I think there's been a mistake."

His smile is gone. You don't know what his expression means. But you can sense understanding. He nods. "I see." 

He spends the next hour explaining to you everything. Your upbringing. Your friends. Sburb. The six years after Sburb ended. The marriage. 

Your marriage. 

Your name is Dirk English, and you don't remember your own husband.

* * *

 

"It's like... Like a backup hard drive, yeah?" Roxy says as she kicks her feet. She's wearing a pointy pair of triangle shades. "So, Dirk. When you were the ripe age of 13, you like... put some kind of baby computer in your head, right? So like it can connect to your robo-computer-shades." She adjusts said shades on her face. 

"That sounds like a stupid idea." You murmur softly.

"Yeeeah I tried to talk you outta it. But! At least it's gonna coooome in handy, right?"

You're about to answer when she giggles. You look at her and blink in confusion. She notices this. "Oops! Sorry, I'm talkin' to da shades here. He did a joke." 

Right. 

Roxy gestures you closer and you lean over. 

"Basically, like...We gonna put his program, which is in the funky-lookin' glasses, and put it into the little computer in your brain. And he can help back up files on your memories. It ain't fixing your brain for goooood... BUT. It'll at least, IN THEORY... help you remember when you forget. If that makes sense."

It did. You look down to your lap, and stare at the ring on your finger. "I want to remember."

She smiles and nods. "I know. I want you to remember too." She leans over and squeezes your arm reassuringly. "I just need to know you're okay with doing this. It should be simple but... I'unno. There might be complications.”

“Whatever complications there are, we can handle it. It’s not so farfetched considering everything you guys have told me.”

She smiles and nods. “Alright, kiddo. After Hal finishes downloading all them memories from before into the program, I’ma call the other two in. Janey’ll help make sure nothin’ bad happens to your sweet, sweet lil’ noggin.”

“It sounds good.” You say as you lay back and tilt your head up. You pray quietly in your own mind that this will work. 

* * *

 

You’re laying down with Jane to your side and Roxy at a computer. You’ve never noticed it before, but there is a small port for a cable behind your left ear. You’re silent as they get ready to hook you up to the computer. 

Roxy puts the plug in, and you’re suddenly wondering why the fuck your younger self would ever do this to himself. 

“Alright. Hal? He’s all hooked up.” Roxy says. 

One, two, three. The world goes black.

\---

You wake up to a white wall with fluorescent lights. Your first thought is wondering whether or not it worked. You look down. An IV in your arm? You look to your left. Jake is sitting by your side, reading something on his phone. 

It occurs to you that you’re in the hospital. “Jake?”

He looks to you with wide eyes. Half with relief, and half with horror. Not sure, but it doesn’t matter. He leans over you and pulls you into a firm hug. He’s apologizing. Repeating himself again and again, that he’s sorry. He’s so, so sorry. Sorry for making you feel like you had to remember, sorry for letting Hal do this to you, sorry for everything. 

You don’t know what he’s talking about. 

He tells you that Hal tried to shut your head down and transfer his own consciousness into your brain. The ol’ switcheroo. He told you they were able to stop him, but you were out for a couple of days. About a week. 

It’s all surreal to you. As usual. Everything they tell you. Sburb? The end of the world? A robot trying to take over your body? It stopped making sense to you awhile ago. Enough for you to accept it without a care. 

But not enough for you to stop wanting to remember. 

“You don’t have to apologize, Jake. It’s not your fault.” You bring up one of your hands and eye the ring on your finger. “I want to remember as much as you do. Maybe even more.”

He stares at you and is about to say something, but you cut him off. “Jake. From what you’ve told me, I’ve come to understand that I keep losing all my memories. But for some goddamn reason, I manage to keep falling in love with you each time. All over again. And again, and again. I want to remember for you. But I want to remember for me. And all of us. We’re going to fix my brain, okay?”

Jake says nothing and takes your hand, holds it tight in both of his, and kisses your knuckles. Finally, with tears in his eyes, he says, “Yes. You’re right. We will. I believe it.”

“And even if I don’t.” You pull him closer with the hand he’s holding. “I’ll fall in love with you once again. I think I can promise that.”

“And I’ll be with you. Til death do us part.”

* * *

 

Roxy apologized profusely. She felt bad for not catching onto Hal's little trick sooner. You forgive her. You tell her you're going to try again. Not with Hal. With some other way. She wants to help. They all do. 

In the mean time, you do memory exercises. You don't know if it helps at all. But it's better than standing by on days where you have nothing else to do. When Roxy, Jane, and Jake are busy and you can't do the research you need. 

And when they aren't busy, you live. You live and have the time of your life. Watching movies. Going to the beach. Planning road trips. 

And sometimes it's just you and Jake. You and your husband. 

"What do you see?"

"I see us. I'm the big one, and you're the small one."

You laugh and shake your head. "That's the big dipper and the little dipper."

"It kind of looks like us though, right?"

It's quiet moments like these you like. Where you don't have to think about your memories. It's been more than a year since your last reset. Jane says it has to be the longest you've gone without resetting. You're not sure what it is. The brain exercises? That zap from when Hal tried to claim your head? You've contemplated Jake's "hope" powers. 

You're not sure. You're not fond of getting worried that you could reset once again. That it's right around the corner. 

But the longer you go, the more hope it gives everyone. The more hope it gives Jake. The more he believes that it'll stay this way. 

You close your eyes and inhale deeply through your nose, smelling the sea. You picture a vast, blue ocean. And you feel loneliness for a moment, before Jake's hand reassuringly squeezes your own. 

You think you'll be okay. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i fucking finish. what the fuck.   
> idk how i feel about the ending. on one hand i like it and on the other hand it feels off?? probably because there were some things i added that i didnt plan on but whatever.   
> thank you for all the comments + kudos!!! <3

**Author's Note:**

> http://youtu.be/LKY7SqwY75Y


End file.
